Dream Little. Dream Big. Just Dream

My little boy, N, has a book that’s become a favorite of mine. It’s called, “What Do You Do With An Idea.” Whenever we read it, I get all faraway and dreamy. I get stars in my eyes. Sometimes I even get a little misty.

We are never too old or too settled to dream.  Dream, my friends. Dream big. Dream little. Dream together. Just dream.

To read the full article, click here! It’ll take you to Raleigh Moms Blog! Happy reading.
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Hearts of Love on Mother’s Day

Today. Mother’s Day. A day of celebration. A day of complication. A day of emotion.

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Today my heart is full of gratitude. I’m hiding out – stealing a moment away to write. Listening to the two littles and the pitter patter of their sweet little feet. Those two made me a mother. The very thought of them can bring tears immediately to my eyes. They sure are ‘some kind of crazy’ most days, but they’re mine. They are MY crazy. And, forever and ever, I’ll be eternally grateful for them. Forever and ever, I’ll do the best that I can to be my BEST for them. Forever and ever, the fierce love that I feel for them will carry me. My heart is so full of so many hopes and wishes and fears for them. But today I’m just gonna soak it all in. Sit back. Hug. Kiss. Love.

Today my heart is full of love for my own mother. She is My Most Beautiful. She is my best. She is the reason that I’ve never felt alone in this big ‘ole world. Her love is so constant, so consistent. Because of it, I’ve never doubted real love. It has always existed for me. I know how lucky I am to be able to say that. I know. And, I’m grateful. Thank you, Mom, for loving me in the powerful way that you do.

Today my heart hurts for those who aren’t feeling so celebratory. Everyone has their own story. Their own ache. We all, each and every one of us, carry something hidden in our hearts. I know that there are far too many women in this world whose hearts are yearning for babies to make them the mothers that they already are in their own hearts. There are far too many women who have experienced miscarriages and loss. They walk this earth with deep, unseen love buried in their hearts for a baby … until one day … one day when our Heavenly Father calls them home and love reunites them and they are able to hold each other in a way they just couldn’t in this life. And, there are far too many women who have buried a child. Gone too soon. It’s something I feel inadequate to even attempt to write about … as if I couldn’t begin to describe their loss in words … couldn’t begin to do their sweet child the justice that they deserve. And, so I won’t. I won’t attempt to write about these types of losses. I won’t attempt to know the depth of your hearts. I will simply say. I see you. We see you. We aren’t forgetting you today. Our hearts hurt for you. We wish it were different.

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Today my heart aches for those who can’t pick up the phone and call their mommas. I’m sorry. I wish that you could. I wish that for you. I wish that my simple, little ‘ole wish would make a tiny bit of difference to you. But, it won’t. But, maybe an acknowledgement will. Maybe. Maybe just knowing that you aren’t forgotten. That you aren’t alone. Maybe you’ll be able to celebrate your mother today in some way that’ll mean something to you. May you feel her light shine down on you.

Today my heart bleeds for those of you who’ve never known the love of a mother. I don’t have the right words for you. I can only hope that you feel God’s love shining on you in a way that is tangible to you. I hope that you have great love in your life. I hope that someone shows you just how amazing, how worthy your are. I hope that even if you don’t have a “someone” to show you these things … that you find it all on your own. Your beauty. Your worth. You are enough. You are. I hope your heart is full.

There are a lot of different types and ways to “mother” a person. The “fruits” of love grow on all different types of trees. And, so Happy Mother’s Day to the WOMEN of this world. Whether or not you have birthed a child … doesn’t matter … it’s about LOVE. It’s a love thing. If you have loved others deeply or have cared for them or have raised them or have nourished their spirits, then you are celebrated today! Keep loving. Keep being the light of God in this dark world. Keep on making the difference that you are making. You are seen.


I Didn’t Know – So Hard to Watch Them Grow

This morning N wanted to watch a video (a video of himself) on my phone. He doesn’t usually watch the older ones, but this morning he chose the oldest. It was recorded a year and a half or so ago. We watched it together and laughed at how cute and sweet his baby voice sounded. He was maybe two and a half years old. He was singing happy birthday and other silly songs. He was talking about my growing belly and what it was going to be like to have a sister. He looked so much smaller to me, so much more like a baby. I didn’t realize just how much he’d grown. Just how different he’d become. It caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting to react to it the way that I did. But, his voice was just too precious. It brought tears to my eyes immediately. I smiled over at him, tucked snuggly under my arm, and we giggled and laughed about “silly Mommy and her happy tears.” Later though, after I dropped him off at pre-school, I watched it again by myself and I cried a little more. Maybe it IS silly. But, for a moment I let myself miss that little guy. I allowed my heart to hurt. It’s just amazing to me … how much he grew in a single year … how different he sounded. How different he is. I don’t want to be sad. This is a GOOD thing. This is the BEST problem to have. My children are growing. I’m not crying over any tragedy or loss. It’s all good. Yet, every now and then, I let myself grieve the passing of time. I let myself FEEL it. It does hurt. It does. I have a wonderful boy and a wonderful girl. They are healthy.  I love watching N grow and become who he’s going to be. I love it. I love who he is today. Yet, I just didn’t know it would be so painful. I didn’t know how I would mourn each stage once it passed. I watch A now and try to memorize each little piece of her. I know how quickly it goes. How fast it’s moving. I want her to be my baby. I’m grasping for her to stay little. I’m no fool. I know exactly what happens when you hold too tightly to something. It slips right through your fingers. I want them to grow, of course. Of course. I just didn’t know. I just wasn’t prepared. I didn’t know that I’d yearn for them, my babies. That I’d miss their littleness, even as they are still right by my side. That I’d miss two-year-old N and 3-year-old N and 6-month-old A. My memory isn’t the best. I have trouble holding on to all the details. I just can’t keep them all or remember it all. It grows fuzzy way too fast and I’m left feeling helpless. I didn’t realize, I didn’t know, that with motherhood would come the strangest combination of wholeness and brokenness. I had no idea it was possible to feel, simultaneously, complete joy and the crush of a broken heart. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that watching my babies grow would fill me with pride and wonder… and agony. I didn’t know that I marvel at the child they were becoming while still longing for my chubby-handed baby. I didn’t know that I would feel so much all of the time. All. The. Time. I feel so much. It’s like I’ve been stripped raw. They say that once you have a child, it feels like your heart is separate from your body … that your heart is out there, walking around in this big ‘ole world. And, I find that statement to be completely true. My heart grew, with each baby, so full and tender that there are days when I worry it will burst wide open. It’s full of love, joy, peace, happiness, tenderness, fear, worry, pain. There are days when I’ve never felt more, or less, like myself. It’s the most puzzling of mysteries. The heart of a momma.

This Beautiful Season

I adore fall. I adore this time of year. Everything about it makes me happy. I wrote a poem about it once, long ago. It took me a bit of time to track this oldie down, but I found it. I wrote it on Oct. 6, 2003, when I was trying to get back into writing. The date is funny now. October 6 is the date I married R. But, not until 2007. In 2003, we hadn’t even entered each others lives. So, it’s funny, yet appropriate, that this was the date on this poem. Back then, my heart was searching. Now, it feels so full and whole. Perspective, uh? Sometimes it’s the things that I wrote years ago, that end up coming back around again. Writing and I are like old friends. We spend a chunk of time apart, but we always find each other again. We always pick back up where we left off …

One Season


The breeze of autumn,

My favorite time,

It comes in soft and gentle,

Soothing, caressing,

Renewing my soul,

The chill in the air brushes against me,

Somehow warming the core of my being,

I feel more thoughtful during this time of year,

The sands of time move quickly,

Staying permanently beyond our grasp,

It leaves me lonely enough to feel alive,

And peaceful enough to let it surround me,

I understand myself most as the leaves change,

Though I don’t know why,

It’s mystery appeals to me,

Nostalgia tugs at my heart,

Images of love and love lost drift and scatter,

The smell of the air brings tears to my eyes,

I long for something,

Unsure what,

Yet, as the sun dips down,

Through a kaleidoscope of pink and orange,

Soft wool of an early winter sweater tight around me,

I look up at the sky,

And thank God that I am me, and I am happy.

My Best Girl – For Harper Jane

I’ve been reading too many sad articles this week. My heart is sore and sensitive. Part of me is aching for a world that I can’t help. I’m feeling raw. It’s time to crawl back in my cocoon and love on my littles. I have to put my phone away and stop reading things like this. They have a place. They have a purpose. But, no more for this week. No more tears for the world this week….

IMG_1441As I type this, my sweet best friend, my beautiful gold retriever, leans over and licks my leg. It confirms what I was already thinking. It’s time to get out of this house. She wants a walk and it’s a gorgeous, pristine fall day. I look down at her. I don’t know why they say diamonds are a girl’s best friend. I’d take this sweet gal over a diamond any day of the week. She’s the best of the best. All of these new studies confirming that dogs are intelligent, have the ability to reason and show emotion crack me up. All you have to do is love one. Then, you already know.

Harper Jane was/is my first baby. She’s the first one that I carried through the doors of our home. We loved her immediately. And, she returned our love without question. She loves hearing the story of how we chose her, straight out of a picture. It’s almost funny to watch. She gets still and quiet and listens carefully. So I tell her. I tell her all about how I became her mommy. She eats it up. So I keep telling her. I know it’s hard for her sometimes. She was the first baby, but most days, she comes in last. There’s a long line of needs that must be met throughout the day and she’s the quiet one. She’s the easy one. She’s the one that waits patiently for a little attention. Those of you that aren’t “dog people” may not get it. This is silly, you may think. But, she’s one of my great loves. And, she deserves more. I write about N and A all the time. I never write about my Harper. So, this one is just for her…

My Best Girl

She sees through us,

She knows what we need,
Her heart is gold,
So is she,
She’ll always be my best girl,
My best girl
Her soul is pure,
Her aura is bright,
She loves the wind,
She brings the light,
She’ll always be my best girl,
My best girl
She keeps us calm,
She makes us whole,
She brings love,
She soothes the soul,
She’ll always be my best girl,
My best girl
She doesn’t like to cuddle,
It’s not her way,
But she loves to give kisses,
It makes her day,
She’ll always be my best girl,
My best girl.

You Are Enough

My beautiful baby girl took her first two steps this week. Two, tiny, tentative steps. My heart soared with pride! Then, it broke just a little too. Isn’t that one of the most astonishing, surprising things about parenthood? Who knew that your heart would break so often and so easily? Who knew what a vast range of emotions you would feel at any given moment?

My sweet A took two little baby steps. Two tiny steps away from me and into this big ‘ole world. Just the thought of it cracked my heart wide open. My A – she is a darling baby. Happy and sweet and so easy to love. I want to wrap her up and keep her safe and secure in my arms. I want to pack her away in a big ‘ole happy bubble with N, where they’ll both be safe, where nothing can hurt them. Huh. It reminds me of  “Finding Nemo”, when Marlin says, “I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.” And, Dory responds brilliantly, saying, “Hmmm. That’s a funny thing to promise. You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.” And, so, I’ll hold my breath and pray A LOT as she takes more and more steps on her own and out into her very own adventure …. And, I’ll be here. Holding her father’s hand and waiting and watching. I’ll be here. For her. For N. If they stumble, fall, feel lost, or want to hide away, I’ll be here. To tell them that they are enough. To tell them not to apologize for who they are. Be YOU, dear babies! You are aways enough to me!


One day, when the light falls and the darkness sets in,

You may wonder if you are enough.

You are.

You are always enough.


When kids are mean and the world seems hard,

You may wonder if you are enough.

You are.

You are always enough.


When you doubt yourself, when you doubt your truth,

You may wonder if you are enough.

You are.

You are always enough.


When a boy breaks your heart,

You may wonder why you weren’t enough for him to love.

You were. You are.

You are always enough.


When you feel lonely and don’t quite fit in,

You may wonder if you are enough.

You are.

You are always enough.


When things just aren’t quite right,

When you don’t feel pretty enough or tall enough or smart enough,

Even when you feel let down by life,

Remember that you are enough.


You are loved. You are adored.

I whisper it into the wind,

So that one day it may find you,

My love will always find you.


The beauty inside you,

Radiates from you,

You are SO much.

You are always, always enough.


If Ever You Wonder

For our babies. For yours. For mine. For all of our little loves. If ever they wonder about love, about loss, about life. If ever they doubt this world. They should know how much they are loved. A mother’s love can live in the wind and the waves. It will always find them … If Ever They Wonder…

If ever a moment catches you,

A shadow in time chases you,

Causing you to wonder if love is real,

Think of me,

And know that it is,

Know that you are my heart,

My air, my smile,

Know that long before your existence,

A prayer was whispered into the wind,

The desire to love you was strong,

If ever you feel alone in this world,

Think of me,

And know that nothing has ever captured me,

The way you do,

You are my very own miracle,

The simplest smile on your sweet baby lips,

Can cause an ache deep in my heart,

The smell of your soft baby skin,

Can cause my eyes to fill,

For no reason at all,

Your musical little giggles,

Can fill a whole house with the sound of love,

Pure and true,

The way you fit so perfectly,

Snuggled right in my arms,

So trusting,

It touches my very core,

If ever you wonder,

If ever you doubt,


Think of me,

And know that every single day,

I’m honored…

Honored to be your mommy.

Dancing in the Dark

There are days when we dance. We dance in the kitchen at 3 in the afternoon after having a snack or feeding A. We leave our mess on the counter, scattered around the room. And, we dance.

Some days, we are still in our pajamas simply because we haven’t gotten around to getting dressed yet. I could feel bad about this right? It would be so easy to allow myself to feel bad about it. Sure, I would have liked to have gotten dressed – maybe even showered – but why focus on that? Why not just dance!? Dance in the kitchen with my babies!

Some days, we dance with in A’s room after getting her dressed or changed. N turns on the radio. It doesn’t matter what song comes on. We dance. We laugh! A giggles and giggles. She loves to watch her brother dance silly!

Some days we dance after dinner. Right in the kitchen. Slowly making our way into the living room and up the stairs to get the little ones bathed and ready for bed. A bounces in Daddy’s arms, while N and I spin each other round and round. We huddle together for a “family hug” and dance in an awkward pile. We laugh. We dance.

Some days, R and I dance quietly, slowly, just for a minute … right it the midst of the chaos. I lean into to him and let him hold me. We ignore the crying and the noise, and we pretend we are somewhere else. We take a moment just for us. And we dance.

There is so much happiness to be found. Most days I choose to look away from the bad, the hurt, the negative in this world and look toward the happy instead. My babies like to dance. It’s beautiful, fun and so very simple. It’s something they’ll remember when they are grown. They’ll remember dancing. They’ll remember laughing. They’ll remember that Mommy let the dishes go and danced with them. And, you know what? I’ll remember too. When I look back on this lovely time in my life, I won’t think about dishes or days when I didn’t get out of my pjs. I’ll think about the laughter. I’ll think about the dancing.

To My N, on your 3rd Birthday

Note: Today is actually N’s 1/2 birthday. He’s 3 and a 1/2 today. I wrote this 6 months ago, on his 3rd birthday, but today seemed like the perfect day to share. Happy 1/2 Birthday, Little Man!

To My N, on your 3rd Birthday,

Three years ago, on this very day, I fell in love. You opened those huge, majestic eyes of yours, looked right into my soul, and I was a goner. I simply handed my heart over to you. At that time, I had no idea how much that would mean, how deep my love for you would run, how much it would grow. Now, I gaze at you, my big 3-year-old boy, with an adoration that is simply unmatched. To me, it’s like gazing at the sun. I’ve never witnessed such innocence, such wonder, such a naturally loving, sweet soul. You are divine. Don’t get me wrong, my dear, I’m under no illusions that you are perfect. You wear me out – even on our very best days! You aren’t perfect, but you are my perfection. You’re a contradiction of the perfectly imperfect. You are THREE — easily angered, quick to react, emotional, resistant to sleep, full of attachment issues, etc. But, it all just makes you YOU.  So, today, on your birthday, I’m feeling sentimental. Of course. Naturally. If I could just bottle you up, capture a piece of you at 3, paint the perfect picture of you… just as you are right now… maybe I could keep that piece of you forever. A written photograph of the boy who has my heart.

At 3, you are …

  • kisses and giggles and silliness

  • snuggle-buggles and bedtime stories

  • lullabies and afraid of monsters

  • a lover of books

  • endless chatter and questions

  • my best helper

  • stuffed animals and your best friend (Curious) “Georgie”

  • running shoes and running fast

  • riding your red tricycle round and round

  • PB&J and cheese quesadillas

  • fake tattoos and stickers

  • chasing Harper

  • a charming little tease

  • muscle shirt wearer

  • family time lover

  • kind soul

  • new big brother

… and SO much more.

My heart aches a little every single day as I watch you grow and change. Though, I know this is something that’s impossible for you to understand right now. I hope that one day you will … as you hold your very own babies. I yearn to keep you little, to keep you mine, to hold you close always. Yet, I enjoy watching you grow and become the boy (and man) that you are meant to be. Still, you’ll always be my baby!

Happy Birthday Favorite Boy!!

I’ll love you till the end of time…

–Your Momma

I Will Always Be Your Home

Some days my heart is so full, the words just pour out. This one is for my little ones so that they may always know – they will always have me.

The sun settles over me with a blinding brilliancy,
As I watch you, my babies,
You are the most beautiful beings,
My heart radiates with a magical love,
Certainly there is no greater,
It is yours and always yours,
To carry with you on your travels,
I will always be your home,
Your refuge,
A safe place to hide,
A shelter from life’s storms,
I will always be your strength
On days when you need to fall,
I will be your ear
On days when you feel lost,
I will laugh with you forever,
For your giggles light my way,
I will hold you
Long after you are too big for my lap,
And, my heart will carry you
Long after the sands of time have faded away
You will never be alone,
My loves.
Your momma’s love will fly with the angels and surround you…
On and on and on…