Once Upon a Time We were a Family of Three

Toward the end of my pregnancy with A, I became a sentimental mess. I couldn’t help but worry that I’d forget about the lovely three years that we spent as a family of 3. I worried that N wouldn’t remember the time before A … when it was just us, when our world revolved around him …

Dear N,

I know our lives are about to change, and I know that you have no idea what’s coming. Before that happens…before your momma (your anchor, your security) gets lost in all the crazy that comes with having a newborn, I wanted to take moment and make sure you know….

A piece (a big piece) of my heart will always be yours and only yours. It belongs to you, my sweet, sweet baby boy.  If you ever look back and wonder about the time “before A”, when it was just US, you should know that our nearly-3 years alone together, as a precious family of 3, meant the whole world to me. You were my first and nothing can ever change that or take that from us. Without you, I wouldn’t be a momma, nor would I have learned all of the things that word “Momma/Mommy” can mean. I’m scared, actually, if I’m completely honest with you… and with myself. I’m scared that we may lose something that we’ve so carefully crafted…the love that we’ve deepened and perfected and made ours. You and me. My favorite boy. You’ll always be the one who knows how to make his momma smile and laugh. Your “are you happy, Momma?” can pull me away from my thoughts and right back into your world. When you pat my leg tenderly and say, “Everything little thing gonna be alright”, I melt and it’s impossible to stay frustrated or overwhelmed, or whatever emotion I am caught up in at the moment. I love the way you love me … so fully and completely. You have such joy – it embraces me and carries me away. I adore your bright smiles, your easy laugh, and the way you tease your daddy (you are so much like him). We’ve made a place for ourselves in this big ‘ole world and though I am ready to let another tiny person in, I’m terrified that I’ll forget what it was like when it was just us. My son, always know, I love you in the most amazingly powerful way. My heart soars and breaks at exactly the same moment when I think about it. You are my wild, my happy, my determined, my independent, my muscle shirt wearing, my stuffed animal loving, my fearless, my kind, my soft-hearted, my beautiful. You are my first. My boy. I will love you till the end of time!

Love, Mommy

(written July 7th, 2013)