Joy. ~Watching him, I realize – I’m witnessing joy in its purest form. His life is uncomplicated and uncluttered. He has nothing on his mind. Nothing but love in his heart. It’s all so simple to him. Watching the waves roll in, laughing and running from them. With squeals of excitement and a bright light in his eyes, I see freedom. Right now, at this moment, he is utterly free. And full of a joy so pure, it makes my eyes fill and my heart hurt.~
A few days ago, Raleigh Moms Blog posted an article that I wrote about kindergarten and all of my big feelings about that fact that it’s time. Time for N to start kindergarten. (Read “Kindergarten. It’s Time” here.) I talked from the heart about all of it … about how hard it is to let go and watch them grow, about the little crack in my heart and about giving myself the grace and peace to move forward and embrace this new chapter. But, there is more. There is more to this story. More about moving toward acceptance. More about “all the feels” about kindergarten. More about my big, full, raw, vulnerable heart. More about preparing my heart. There is more.
My boy is so innocent. And, if your baby is headed to kindergarten, I bet you feel the same way. They are innocent. Honestly, if your baby is headed to college you might even feel the same way!! My sweet guy – his heart is so pure and full of all the right things. I love it. I love him. I love his sincerity and faith in goodness. This world can be so scary, yet, right now…he has no idea. He is aware that there is evil out there, but it’s mostly a vague awareness. And, I yearn to keep it that way. We all have an innate, fierce desire to protect our babies, right? There is a “momma bear” in each one of us. The “momma bear” in me is feeling a little threatened lately. Change is coming and I know there is nothing that I can do to stop it. I fear the unknown. I fear the mean spirits … and the mean kids. I fear the things that he will learn about people and about the “ways of the world.” I fear the loss of his innocence. I fear not being able to always protect him. I fear watching him step away from me and out into the world. I fear the change that will happen to our relationship. I fear losing him. I’m having trouble accepting it. I’m having trouble letting go. It’s all out of my control and as a momma, that’s the scariest part. Giving up the control, right?
So…give it to God.
It’s funny how a little thing like seeing the word “kindergarten” on a postcard could completely derail my thought process. How easily I forgot that I’d already been praying and preparing for this very thing. This. Very. Thing. How easily I forgot to trust. How easily I sank into the fear.
Once I let my emotions settle. Once I was able to spend some quiet time alone with my thoughts. Once I had prayed. It all felt … still. Quiet. Focused. It may not be easy. Watching our babies grow will likely never be easy. But, my husband and I are not the only ones that love our children. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” Their great creator, our Father in Heaven, loves them so much more than we can even imagine. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” I cannot forget this. They are His. He loves them. I’m not doing any of this alone. So, I’ll pray. I’ll pray and pray some more. I’ll pray my way to kindergarten. My prayer is that our Lord leads us into the school years with a full armor. My prayer is that He goes before us and paves the way. My prayer is that He’s already in our schools, working on our teacher’s hearts so that they may be exactly what N needs (and what your babies need) them to be. Let the school be full of light and goodness. Keep the evil away. Let that school be so full of love and Jesus that you can’t help but notice!
Friends, I don’t know where your hearts are, but I do know that you aren’t alone. Our fears do not have to weigh us down. Our burdens are not ours to carry. Send them up. Lay them down. We were never meant to go at it alone. We were never meant to fear. You can let it go and walk forward with faith and confidence that, while you are not “in control”, our God is. We can feel all the feelings and still march forward. We can do this scary thing called kindergarten. And, we can do lots of much, much scarier things too. But, we certainly don’t have to do it alone. We can do it together. We can pray our way through it. Imagine what a difference we could make! Praying our way…
“I haven’t been feeling overly sentimental lately. I’ll admit, I can lose myself to the sentimental dark side from time to time, but I’ve been coasting close to “normal” these days. But, today. Wow, today! Today, I packed up a box of baby clothes to consign. Today, A and I watched cows and moo-ed and said hello to each one of them individually and laughed. Today, we received N‘s track assignment for year-around elementary school. We registered him for kindergarten in January and I had all the big feelings and emotions about it … and then, I just kinda let it go. So, even though I was expecting it, seeing his name with the word “kindergarten” and “track” beside of it … it just felt too real. Too soon. Honestly, my first thought was that maybe I could just toss that little postcard in the trash and pretend it wasn’t happening. Out of sight, out of mind. Eeek!”
Y’all, head on over to Raleigh Moms Blog to read more!!
“Ladies. I have a confession to make. I have fallen into the comparison trap. That old gag. Again. It’s happened to us all once or twice (or maybe 1,500 times) in our lifetimes, right? Let us take a brief moment of silence in remembrance of that lovely period of time called middle school. Ugh. This time, I have coveted thy neighbor’s … kitchen. No. No. No, not thy neighbor’s husband. Y’all can keep your husbands! I’m quite fond of my own husband. It’s kitchens that I’ve been lusting after.” Continue reading…
My 2nd post is up over at Raleigh Moms Blog today! Go. Read. Share. Enjoy.
Excerpt: “A few days ago, A (my 2-year-old) and I were strolling through Target (yes, it’s always Target, right?). She was in a particularly playful mood. I was stealing kisses from her. We were smiling. We were in our own happy world for that particular minute in time. I leaned down and said, “You are SOOO beautiful!” She wrinkled her nose and beamed up at me, giggling. And. Then. A woman (a woman whom meant well I’m sure — they always mean well, right?) said, “You know, you shouldn’t tell her that she’s beautiful.” My head whipped around. I hadn’t even seen her there. I hadn’t even noticed her in the aisle with us. My mind went blank.”
Photo Credit: Shannon Haynie Photography (She’s awesome, by the way!)
Y’all. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed sharing this space, this time and my thoughts with you. It hasn’t been the same without a lovely place to connect. Unfortunately, as I mentioned in My Life vs. Writing about My Life, the little people have been busy taking up all of my time, all of my energy and all of the space in my head where my writing occurs. And, so I pulled back from Elle Bee Lovely. I let go for a little while. I accepted the happy chaos around me … even if that meant I stopped writing as much. This place will still remain and, hopefully, grow again soon! I have dreams and hopes for us!
In the meantime, you can find me over at Raleigh Moms Blog, where I’m a new contributor. Yay! I’m excited to be adding my voice to their collection of fun, inspiring women!
In their own words Raleigh Moms Blog is “more than just an awesome site providing entertaining content to moms in the Triangle and throughout the country, we hope to be a positive representation of the city we love!” I’m thrilled to be part of their growing them!
I love to write my littles letters on their birthdays. It’s for them, but maybe it’s more for me. It’s so they’ll remember. It’s so that I won’t forget. Time is impossible to stop. It’s impossible to slow it down. So, maybe … maybe if I can just capture a little sliver of it in words … maybe we’ll be able to remember just how sweet it all is …
To my Favorite Boy,
My sweet boy. You are 5 now. Whenever I pause to reflect on you; to write to you – my heart gets caught in my throat and I always have to stop and have a good cry. It’s just … the way I love you has always amazed me. The way I feel about you can never adequately be expressed. It’s soo much.
It was a little cooler today and I noticed some of the leaves changing as A and I drove to pick you up at pre-school. Fall always makes me feel more sentimental. I caught myself feeling overcome by mixture of happiness and sadness. I have loved your littleness. I have loved baby N and toddler N. Raising you isn’t always easy and we have days that feel desperate, so raw and so hard. Yet, there is so much beauty in it. There is so much life in it and ridiculous amounts of joy. I have a wonderful time with you. You have made my life so meaningful. It’s strange to me that you are 5 now. Already. It doesn’t seem quite right. You should still be my little guy, but you are growing and changing every day. You are a kid now. It’s hard to let go and watch you grow. Yet, I’m so proud of you. And, though it’s hard for me at times and I yearn to wrap you in my arms and keep you little, watching you grow has been so rewarding and fun. It’s my favorite thing.
At 5, my boy, you are full of life. You are smart and imaginative. You are innovative and full of ideas. You are kind and tender-hearted. You think “stupid” is the worst “bad word” there is and you truly strive to use only “kind” words. You are easily frustrated, but mainly because you want to be able to do all-the-things. You are funny and goofy. You make us laugh. You sorta play soccer. Sorta. You love pre-school. You adore stuffed animals and have more than any child should. You struggle with greed … caused by your desire to have all the stuffed animals in the world. Ha! You are a comfy clothes wearer. Silly story teller. You are becoming a good little artist and not a bad little carpenter. You still want to be a construction worker when you grow up. You take good care of your sister and y’all are best friends, but you also like to tease her and sometimes you make her cry on purpose. You feel strongly about all the things. You. I’ve never loved anything more. My boy. My heart.
Love, Your Momma