For My N, on his 5th Birthday

I love to write my littles letters on their birthdays. It’s for them, but maybe it’s more for me. It’s so they’ll remember. It’s so that I won’t forget. Time is impossible to stop. It’s impossible to slow it down. So, maybe … maybe if I can just capture a little sliver of it in words … maybe we’ll be able to remember just how sweet it all is …

18

To my Favorite Boy,

My sweet boy. You are 5 now. Whenever I pause to reflect on you; to write to you – my heart gets caught in my throat and I always have to stop and have a good cry. It’s just … the way I love you has always amazed me. The way I feel about you can never adequately be expressed. It’s soo much.

It was a little cooler today and I noticed some of the leaves changing as A and I drove to pick you up at pre-school. Fall always makes me feel more sentimental.  I caught myself feeling overcome by mixture of happiness and sadness. I have loved your littleness. I have loved baby N and toddler N. Raising you isn’t always easy and we have days that feel desperate,  so raw and so hard. Yet, there is so much beauty in it. There is so much life in it and ridiculous amounts of joy. I have a wonderful time with you. You have made my life so meaningful. It’s strange to me that you are 5 now. Already. It doesn’t seem quite right. You should still be my little guy, but you are growing and changing every day. You are a kid now. It’s hard to let go and watch you grow. Yet, I’m so proud of you. And, though it’s hard for me at times and I yearn to wrap you in my arms and keep you little, watching you grow has been so rewarding and fun. It’s my favorite thing.

At 5, my boy, you are full of life. You are smart and imaginative. You are innovative and full of ideas. You are kind and tender-hearted. You think “stupid” is the worst “bad word” there is and you truly strive to use only “kind” words. You are easily frustrated, but mainly because you want to be able to do all-the-things. You are funny and goofy. You make us laugh. You sorta play soccer. Sorta. You love pre-school. You adore stuffed animals and have more than any child should. You struggle with greed … caused by your desire to have all the stuffed animals in the world. Ha! You are a comfy clothes wearer. Silly story teller. You are becoming a good little artist and not a bad little carpenter. You still want to be a construction worker when you grow up. You take good care of your sister and y’all are best friends, but you also like to tease her and sometimes you make her cry on purpose. You feel strongly about all the things. You. I’ve never loved anything more. My boy. My heart.

Love, Your Momma

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3 thoughts on “For My N, on his 5th Birthday

  1. Very sweet and important. Someday those letters will mean so much to him. For you, it’s a wonderful way to reflect and appreciate the magic that comes with each unique child.

  2. Sorry to be so late commenting on this. Wonderful as always. He is “my heart” also, and has been since he was born. He is special just like his Mom was. All children are special in their own unique way and God made us all “unique”. But every once-in-a-while someone “really special” comes along. That’s what N has been to us. You capture that “spirit” with what you write. But never forget what God has promised us has eternal values and will NEVER pass away. You will never lose him! You will have him FOREVER! And you will get to have him in all the stages you love him in because time will not exist after this brief fleshly life. I have to remind myself of all the wonderful things The Lord has provided for us both now and in our future. So relax and “grieve not the passage of time for all things will be made new again.” Thank you for sharing the joy.

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